Sunday, May 25, 2014

Bonne Fete Maman

Today is Haitian Mothers Day (Bonne Fete Maman)...  celebrated the last sunday of May in Haiti.  Part of the celebration is prayer and song!

 Two years ago, I had the honor and privilege and huge blessing of celebrating this holiday in Haiti with my two daughters, my mother, my sister and my dear friend Liz.  What a special time.  I was given presents (one was an ice cold bottle of coke!!!)  and cards and we created some special memories ...  but today... I ache for the birth mothers of my daughters.  I wonder if they are thinking of and praying for the daughters they no longer have.  If they pray for and long for the daughters they gave up or walked away from? 

 Adoption is amazing and such a gift... but adoption is hard and heartbreaking too.

  I ache for one birth mother I never met... I have no idea what she looks like... I simply have her name on some court documents and a Haitian birth certificate.  I wonder if she misses her girl?  I wonder why she walked away?   I have no idea where she is and if she's even alive... I pray she is... I pray she is well taken care of and happy... I pray she knows Jesus.

  The other mother I met...so young and meek.  Her face showing little emotion but full of beauty and poise.  Her only request was to give her birth daughter an education and to never let her forget she has family in Haiti.....I wonder how she celebrates today?  If at all.  Is it hard for her knowing one of her young is thousands of miles away with a new family?  I wonder if she regrets?  I wonder if she thinks of my girl when she looks at her other child? 

I wonder....the questions swirl around and around... almost on a daily basis...  I wonder, but I do not judge.

  I don't have any idea what it would take to push someone... a mother...  to drop her baby off at an orphanage... sign that child away...  and walk away...forever...  What kind of situations were these two birth mothers in to do something so desperate ...so life changing... so final.   I have seen the total destruction in Haiti since the earth quake... what total desperation these birth parents must feel. 

We do not talk much about birth parents with the girls... we let them take the lead, and if they ask... we will share what we know.  We are still in transition with them and I fear if we push them.... we'll encounter huge set-back.  We walk on thin ice emotionally as we journey forward.  In a perfect world.... we would have a celebration for the girls birth mothers today... we are not there yet... maybe someday... but again, in a perfect world.... they would not be mine....  Today, I am grateful for in imperfect world....  I have two beautiful amazing daughters from Haiti... I have the huge responsibility of raising them... but the incredible blessing of loving them. 

To all the birth mothers out there that have had to make a decision to put aside your own wants and desires... and think of your child's needs first...  bless you!  I pray your heart will be comforted! 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Survival

6 Months from my last post... just about...  I wanted to be an avid blogging Mom... to share the story of my family... my daughters... my life...stories about adoption and about Haiti... to whomever wishes to read it....  and it's been 6 months since my last post...  SURVIVAL!  We are in survival mode!

The girls are doing wonderfully...  I would say better than I am most day's.  We are starring down the barrel of our final couple of weeks of school.  We rejoice because WE MADE IT!  We are hanging on by a tiny- tiny thread and holding on to the promise of the celebration of the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!  We will sing... we will dance... we will eat ice cream!  SUMMER IS HERE!  (well, if only in theory--- what is up Mother Nature!).

Neffy has really overcome a lot of issues this first 11 months in America. We are not where we hope to be.. but we are not where we used to be.  So we rejoice! Neffy is so smart and creative and has the cutest little singing voice... Americal Idol here we come!!!!  She is such a good helper around the house.  She loves to help!!  She will do any chore around the house I ask her to (9 times out of 10 without one single complaint)... she has helped Daddy start planting our family garden's... YUP.. I said "garden's"... He is planting 2 this year!  I guess I will give him the benefit of the doubt, since our family has doubled in size.  Neffy loves big and hurts deep.  This is painful for this Momma to go through with her.... but I am committed and in love with this little Haitian beauty... and by the amazing grace of God we will overcome!  Neffy is talking more and more about the orphanage...some good... some sweet... some just general stuff and some very - incredibly hard to hear.

 Sheldine is one amazingly goofy and silly child.  She keeps us in stitches!!!  One day when I was suffering with a migraine - she came up to me very tenderly...  much concern and sympathy on her face and in her beautiful brown eyes and said... "Momma, you no smell good?"...  now... before you go thinking I hadn't showered because I was down and out with a migraine... translation for that is "Momma, you no feel good?"...  she is such a tenderhearted little girl.  If she get's in trouble (YUP, she get's in trouble)... he will hang her head and her lip and say in her little haitian accent... "you no make me happy"...  I love that kid!  She loves to play with her barbie car... she will push around any toy that will fit in the front seat.  We have witnessed her pushing around jewlery... her wallet...  a big stuffed rabbit that barely fits... anything at all...  such a hoot!  She does not talk about the orphanage and does not like to talk about it.  She will get very emotional saying she does not want to go back and we must reassure her... she is NOT!

My heart hurts for my daughters... but my heart rejoices that God brought us together and He is faithful to complete the good work... and we are a work in progress!

Darren is finally done plowing!  Thank you Jesus!  Basically with the horrible winter we had, I was a single Mom all winter.  Rough?  SURVIVAL!  Not that this is anyway Darren's fault.  He is a snow plow truck driver and it was a whooper of a winter.  I have tried to do our busy family schedule with grace and a good attitude.  Nope... failed that miserably!  I've cried... yelled... cried... locked myself in my bedroom for a 'time out' (which upsets Neffy)...  I have drank way too much diet Pepsi an coffee..Ate way too much junk food... now I need a new summer wardrobe! Thanks Double Stuff Oreos!!!!!!!  I have visited my PCP which turned into being diagnosed and now being treated for Post-Adoption Depression... I have met with a sweet friend for counsel - who listens without judgement and points me to truth and to freedom..(if you are reading this.. you know who you are).... I am working... I am a work in progress... I have cried on my sisters shoulder... called her in a fit of motherly emotions -- someone had to talk me off the ledge... (thanks Tan).... I have sat with Band of Sisters group and vented...(thanks ladies)...  I have had my nails done to pep me up and vented and cried with my sweet friend Brenda... ( I love you girl!)...  I have a family that has come around me/us in the most amazing circle of support that anyone could even dream of... (you guys are the best!)...I have a circle of ladies that take time out of their busy lives to do lunch on Fridays... it's always EXACTLY what I need!  (thanks Brenda, Jules, Mom & Tania)...   I have the most amazing Mother in the entire world and do not know how this last 11 months would have been possible without her...and God love my co-workers for loving me inspite of myself!!!  My in-laws are simply amazing and drop everything to do whatever we need.....  (seriously... I am blessed)......

I am just trying to survive.....  so where does this funk and depression come from?..  personally, the way I've been feeling... I know where it comes from... the pit of Hell!    overwhelmed... emotional... battered and bruised... exhausted beyond belief... disconnected and out of touch...  but ever so blessed...  There are so many wonderful people that love us and pray for us and support us...  my church... PIWC.. we love you all so much...  CCA... a huge blessing to our family.... our inner circle and our family...  SURVIVAL... that is where we have been for the last 11 months... and probably will be there for sometime to come...  BUT... we have a survival kit... armed with the Lord... and our circle...