I sit here... nice hot cup of coffee and my laptop open.. the girls playing in their room being silly and funny... they are so creative!!! It is balm to my soul to listen to them play together... laughing...having fun...safe and warm... full bellies...healthy... enjoying being sisters...... I ponder.....19 months in to our new family and I have never been so tired and emotional... never been driven to the depths of frustration and anger... hurt and worry... offended and sad.... but with one snuggle from either of my sweet brown baby girls (that are growing WAY too fast)... it all melts away for just a brief moment. Thank You Jesus for those brief moments in time.
We are facing some real serious issues 19 months into this new family dynamic.
RAD-PTSD-ADD-ADHD-DEPRESSION------ labels... labels.... labels...
A very wise family doctor told me... "let's not be so concerned with the labels and just get you guys some help"... AHHHHH Fresh air to my weary soul, heart and mind. We are in fact facing all those above things ...not just for my daughters but for us too... we are all in the midst of some tough times emotionally, spiritually, behaviorally and physically..there are moments that I don't even recognize who I am...... but God has met us right were we are... with His outstretched hand ... offering His grace and mercy and wisdom. It's a long road we are walking... we don't see the light and fluffy end yet. Oh, but it will come.
We have a wonderful counselor for Neffy (and possibly Sheldine)... a very dedicated and wise family doctor... an amazing family and church... wonderful friends and we serve the most powerful and awesome God. Oh, it will come..... To those that think 19 months at home is long enough for a child to adapt to their new family and surroundings... you are so so wrong... I was so so wrong! 19 months in and we are just turning the corner from what could have been transition issues to deep rooted and heartbreaking emotional issues. This is where the real hard work begins... but the Lord tells me... "do not be afraid..." So we will press in and press on...
IF you know a family with adopted children... pray for them... pray for those kids that suffered deep pain, trauma and loss first before this new beautiful family could be formed... pray for those adoptive parents trying to "clean up the mess" the best they can and make these kids whole again...
19 months in... we are doing life in survival mode... living and parenting the best we can... loving the best we can... reaching out for support, guidance, help and love where we can... and believing God always had this as part of His plan... I am learning more and more about myself everyday. I will be flat out honest... some of those things I'm learning I do not like! I am NOT patient...I in fact have very little patience... I am NOT as mild mannered as I thought I would be... I am NOT strong ... I am flawed, weak, prideful and selfish... Thank You Lord that you won't leave me here and you forgive me ... My husband on the other hand is more than I thought he would be...in spite of his flaws and weaknesses... (let's face it, we all have them)... He loves these girls deeply and the way he laughs and plays with them blesses my heart.. He takes good care of us and I know this man is just as exhausted as I am... He is hardworking and dedicated.. He is involved and caring... He is wise even though he does not believe that he is... he guides us and prays for us... cooks for us... does the dishes and all the heavy lifting... he cleans my cat box!!!!!! He is good good man and I am a lucky and blessed woman to be called his wife. I wonder if he knows this is how I feel?... I should tell him huh?.. or maybe he'll read this blog post and know ....
